Everyone is stressed about college essays: parents and teenagers alike. It can seem like an impossible task — high schoolers have to be poignant but not saccharine, clever but not flippant, polished but not too tidy. And they have to try to stand out from thousands of other high schoolers all trying to do the same thing.
Add to that the fact that college essays require a different form of writing than what’s commonly covered in high school, and it becomes an understandably daunting feat for any teenager. But how can you offer support without crossing an ethical boundary, hampering your child’s authentic voice, or intruding on your child’s space?
It’s a fine line to walk, but there are ways that you can assist your teenager through this thorny writing process while also honoring personal and ethical boundaries. Keep reading for tips!
1. Offer structure with regard to time management and planning
When it comes to writing expressively about their core qualities, high schoolers need lots of time (often weeks, not days) to brainstorm and reflect on who they are and what they value. Then, they need lots more time after that to word-vomit, clarify, revise, re-structure, and polish. Most students take at least a couple of months to produce a clean and finalized version of a personal statement, and that isn’t even counting the time they’ll need to write supplemental essays.
Without pushing too hard or cranking up your child’s stress level, you can take this as an opportunity to help your child define a reasonable timeline and set some incremental deadlines for their essay work. Here are a few questions you might discuss with your teenager, to help them cultivate an awareness of time:
- How long does it typically take you to write essays for school?
- When would you ideally love to have a final draft of your personal statement? (Hint: supplemental essay prompts get rolled out in August, so your teenager should ideally be switching their focus to supplemental essays by then)
- What are your weekly and monthly goals?
- Do you have a special time and place set aside to work on your personal statement each week?
2. Chat with your teenager about their most vivid memories from childhood and adolescence
This one is more delicate. We don’t recommend that you pitch your teenager specific stories that you think would be most impressive in a college essay: it’s critically important that the storytelling impulse come from them organically. That being said, you can help your teenager get in touch with moments and memories that were meaningful to them by reminiscing together – take a walk by the old house you used to live in, ask for their help making the meal they loved as a toddler, show them pictures from family trips. If they seem excited about any particular memory, you can encourage them to reflect on how those moments might have shaped their personality or values by asking a few open-ended questions:
- What do you remember most about that time/place?
- Do you feel like you’re the same person you were then?
- What did you love about that time/place?
PS. To help your child feel less “interrogated,” let them ask you questions about your memories, too!
3. Take their temperature before offering feedback
Before you dive directly into giving your teenager feedback on their essay, take a beat to check in with them: how are they feeling about their essay? How are they feeling about their progress?
First of all, asking questions like this invites your child to reflect on the choices they’ve made and why they have made them; it encourages them to understand that they are a critical part of the assessment process.
Second of all, no matter your particular family dynamic, you’re the parent and your opinion matters deeply to your child. If a student feels profoundly proud of their essay, an unwitting negative opinion from a parent can be derailing and destabilizing. So make sure to understand where your teen is in their writing journey before bringing down the hammer.
4. Let grammar slide
It may seem counterintuitive, but if your teenager gives you a draft of their essay to look at, try to steer clear of granular, nitty-gritty critiques. To write well, your child needs to maintain a buoyant spirit of exploration and discovery – so your job is to help them strengthen what they’re doing well, focus on the big picture, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Wait to offer feedback on grammar, punctuation, or word count until the very end of the process, once their ideas are in place. Until then, help them deepen their insights and specify their vision, and make it clear that you’re their cheerleader through this whole process.
Under the right circumstances, helping your high schooler with their college essays can be a lovely bonding experience. But as we all know, sometimes teens keep their parents at arm’s length while they’re establishing their independence. In that case, know that you can always call in an outside voice to guide your child, leaving you free to focus on being their parent instead of their editor. Our college admissions experts are available to partner with you at any stage of the process.
